One of the reasons for my departure from the regular use of social media is how easily it influences bad behavior or encourages behavior outside of what would be deemed normal before the advent of social media. Some shit and people are just downright cringey and it’s the lack of self awareness that keeps me away for long spans . There’s only but so much weird behavior, over sharing,outlandish outtakes, bad spelling, incorrect grammar and BBLs I can take. And I’ll go to the ends of the earth sounding off about how bad the amount of dopamine it releases into our brains is.(more on that another day)
I’m often amazed at how fast something seen on TikTok is adopted and interwoven into everyday interactions. For instance, “demure”. I wanted to chop my ears off when everyone was using demure in their social interactions. I was like “wow, that phrase caught on real quick”and it was never ending.
Another one was “era”. “I’m in my rich girl era, I’m in my princess era” “soft girl era”and whatever other era the girls found themselves in.
So, I am recognizing that I’m in my calm girl era. In my early forties, I’m consistently asking myself if this is how life is supposed to go. I genuinely have no clue but I have embraced the maturity and tranquility that has come with me reaching some level of enlightenment and contentment with life. One of my favorite video clips is of an interview with Sade and she’s talking about how she’s somewhat of a multi-faceted woman but she’s ok with all of the parts of who she is. I watch that video often and assume that she’s around my current age when it was filmed and I think to myself “wow, this is what that feels like”. “She’s so me”. Lol.
It’s taken a long time to get here. Some blood, a lil sweat and too many tears. My 30s were such a conundrum marked heavily by grief, confusion, sadness, anger, heartbreak,chaos and no sense of direction. I was just a shell, void of any kind of clarity, assurance, self-development or progression. I was literally just moving through life but not in a good or even healthy way. On the outside looking in I appeared to be lit like shit, lol. I wasn’t at all. I was desperately looking for anything that could make me feel something other than deep sadness. Whether or not it was in the form of a person, a place, an experience or a drug. Anything to make me feel alive, I was seeking it out. It was bad, not all bad, but bad enough. I did have some fun times. lol
My mid 30s came and the turning point was my 35th birthday. I had planned a private dinner at an Air Bnb and in short, it resulted in not having the dinner but also fracturing a friendship for a few years. It was then that I decided that I had had enough of myself and embarked somewhat on an eat; pray, love journey. I wasn’t specifically looking for anything, I just wanted my life to finally feel calm and make sense to me. I needed my sympathetic system to relax and for my parasympathetic system to activate and I needed it to happen QUICK or I wasn’t going to make it. I searched for it in Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, Atlanta, Puerto Rico to name a few places. I definitely was eating and praying. Idk if I was loving too much. Lol. The need for calm launched me into a full fledged solo journey of self-discovery and it’s been yoga mats, boundaries, self-love, abstinence, Pilates, exercise, silence, friendship, confidence, compassion, wisdom, pivots, learning, un-learning and most importantly calm ever since.
When my mom was alive we used to talk about what I wanted my life to look like when I got older and one of the best things she ever did was to let me know that it was ok if it didn’t look like how I imagined. I remember distinctly her telling me that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if very specific things didn’t happen to me or for me. I didn’t understand it then, but I totally get it now and I’m grateful for her insight.
As each day passes I sincerely have no idea what my life should be like. None-but I do know that the calmness that I have obtained will be something that I will always fervently grasp onto. If something makes me uneasy or brings disorder that’s my cue. I’m selfish and somewhat fearful in the sense that I’m very routine because I’m scared that my sense of calm that I’ve worked so hard to get to could be disrupted or shattered by no cause of mine. I intentionally safeguard and gate keep myself but also seek out calm people, calm experiences, calming movement so any diversion away from that would set me back tremendously.
I’m grateful for all that I am, all that I’ve experienced and all that I will eventually become. Gratitude plays a huge part in coping with life and adjusting to whatever life brings. A peaceful mind and calm life can seem elusive but it’s within all of our grasps. It starts by going within, accepting every part of ourselves, staying focused, intentionally welcoming it, and believing that it’s obtainable and you are deserving of it
I’m in my calm girl era and I’m glad to be here 💜✨💫
Introverted and anti-social 