Today makes 13 years since my mom passed away. The most unluckiest thing ever and for sure my most significant adult cannon event.
I can honestly say I’ve finally became the woman that she was shaping me to be. I realize now how her love for me impacted every area of my life in the most positive ways. How I love myself, how I love others and how I show up as a woman in the world. Being loved by my mom has allowed me to love in a way that is pure, intentional and deeply rooted. But also her absence from my life the last 13 years has catapulted me into a level of adulthood that I never expected to be in. Because of her absence I’m constantly pulling from the 30 years of wisdom that she left me with and sometimes I wonder if the supply will ever run dry. I hope not. I can also honestly admit that I feel the ebs and flows of life a lot more deeply without her physical presence and guidance. Sometimes the grief is palpable.
One thing about my mom was that she was a no nonsense kind of person. She was so sweet, caring, kind, considerate. I think that she was too kind for this world really. It’s unbelievable that someone as endearing could even exist in a world that’s as cold and wicked as this. It takes my breath away sometimes to think about the gravity of how she loved everyone. She would give anyone anything they asked for. She gave so much of her self and always extended a hand to help but she knew her limits. No was a strong word in her vocabulary and she didn’t apologize for it one bit. She spent the latter portion of our relationship trying to get me there. To adjust the way that I showed up for people. She wanted me to be my authentic self and still allow love and kindness to be a strong trait but she also wanted me to learn when enough was enough. When to stop being so giving, so considerate and unselfish.
She wanted me to move through the world with strong unwavering discernment, self-assuredness and confidence in my ability to recognize when it’s time to call my energy back.
We had countless conversations about certain situations and often times her advice would be one word- “stop”.
I always struggled with hard stops. Walking away from things that didn’t serve me; but as the 13 years have gone by;life has forced me to adapt and adopt her approach. She was right.
I’m finally at the place where she wanted me to be with a lot less naivety. I’ve gotten the wisdom that she had that allowed her to move through the world with so much love but within her own self imposed limits.
I understand fully why she was trying to get me to where I am now. She knew that I would need to have the ability to make authentic decisions, to not engage in self abandonment by saying yes when I really mean no, and to say no without guilt the same way she did.
My mom’s death has taught me emotional resilience, the importance of only saying yes to what nourishes me and reclaiming my time, energy, and emotional space for what truly matters.
It’s taken me 13 years to get here. But I’m here.
Introverted and anti-social 